They say confession is good

for the soul and I figured the start of the new year is good a time as any to purge mines so please sit down for this one. It’s not pretty. Not pretty at all. And I feel awful. Just plain awful and confused about the whole thing…So here goes: My ex-husband pretty much ignored me for the last two years in our marriage after our daughter was born. It got so bad in the end that he’d walk off mid conversation if I was talking or he’d tell me to stop being an idiot and find something sensible to say the second he’d said his piece. So you can understand my pain when I say all I want from a partner is some conversation and partnership. Just someone to say hello and talk to me and me back to him about silly nothings or even the serious stuff. And companionship for the long and short and quiet and even noisy days ahead. It’s not much. It doesn’t matter to me what the person looks like or what they do or what they have. It’s just the essence of someone that matters to me.

I couldn’t bare looking at my messenger anymore willing my Muse to speak to me the pain in my heart was so unimaginable that I decided to set up an online profile to see if I could find someone who actually wanted to talk to me. But went to take it back down the minute I did it because it made me felt physically ill being on there. Even the icebreakers I received made me to crawl into a corner. But the customer service representative said to give it until the end of the trial period as I might change my mind by then! I don’t think she was listening to a word I said! I’m not ready for online chatting forget dating! I think I may even be going off men as a whole. And no I’m not gay or prefer women. I just wanted abit of conversation.

And as I went to take down my profile he messaged me. And I relaxed. I actually liked him! No not tearing your clothes off come back to mines like,but a good old fashioned he’s okay, he just wants to chat okay. His spirit agreed with mines. The first one that did. I told him I was in the middle of taking down my profile but that it would be rude mid conversation and he laughed and messaged me back. And he was kind and nice and sweet and funny.

And I like him. Yes I can’t believe I wrote that either. He’s 58. About my height. Similar interests. Lives too far away to drop by for coffee and close to Scotland and Yorkshire. Both of my favourite counties. He’s even got grandkids. He just drops me a line and I drop him a short one back about our days. And it feels right and easy and fun and not pressured at all. But it makes me realise just how much of a trust issue I do have with men:-(. Yes the site is reputable. I’m pretty sure the guy is too. But I realise what the true problem really is and that’s I’m still stuck on my Muse. I love him. By God I really do.Most passionately and ardently. And it’s only his arms and his voice and his scent and his soft lips and his rugged cheek pressed up against mines that I want. But he doesn’t want those things and I’m trying to distract my anguish by chatting to someone else. If not I shall be loading up his messenger with little longing messages and that’s not a good sign at all!

So…Will I take my profile down at the end of the trial period? I really can’t answer that. I don’t even know myself. I’ll have to wait and see. God bless you.

 

 

 

 

 

Spent a lovely day in the

garden with my daughter yesterday raking up leaves and singing at the top of our voices:-). Then we legged it for the door once the rain started:-). Popped in to see the neighbour late morning then took the kids into town for a short spell after school. A great day all around. It’s really nice getting out in the fresh air and feel the wet soil between my warm hands. I couldn’t ask for more:-).  Had some training to do at the local hospital after work today so I’m pretty knackered after putting the kids to bed. it’s children in need day tommorow at school and I haven’t even out any polka dots on their uniform yet! It’s days like these I wish I had a man around to help me out.

Last night as I was putting my daughter to bed and again tonight she wrapped her arms around me and prayered ‘Please find my mummy a husband dear God and get me another brother or sister!’ Could  have knocked me over with a feather. But none more so when the man I loved turned up next door while we were raking leaves and she said mummy remember the new husband I prayered for for you? Yes I answered cautiously. He’s now next door she grinned! I think you’re mistaken I replied. I was so speechless I dropped the rake I was holding! Why do you think mummy needs a new husband i asked her? Because you and daddy had a falling out she replied and he’s got someone! Only heavens knows why she thought of you! It’s not like I’m with someone or go around voicing my deepest desires. But at the same time if you hear my little girl praying dear Lord, can you answer her please?!:-):-):-) Who knows? Maybe her hotline to heaven is quicker than mines:-):-) :-). We’ll see won’t we?!

 

 

Just finished the school

run in the pouring rain less than an hour ago! I mean coat soaking, youngest daughter under plastic cover in her buggy, glasses so drenched my son is bemusingly guiding us back the way home up the village lane rainfall. Never mind I’d only been suntanning in the back garden an hour before reading my newspaper with my face turned upwards:-). What peculiarity! But that’s the English weather for you! Pajamas and dressing gowns on I admonished with glee as we got in. Hot chocolate coming right up:-). Plus an afternoon movie:-). Hey…any excuse to enjoy a nice autumnal day:-).

And as for my happy juice….go figure but I’m still deliciously, suspiciously stomach relaxing, pores drenching mind tingling happy! I wish I could tell you what happened but I really have no idea. Caught the bug on Wednesday morning and it hasn’t left since. Had a busy day yesterday. Did the school run for another mum who had a poorly child. Then my son’s school had to shut midday because of a burst main water pipe in the village. So I brought home a few more kids home with me. Fed and entertained them all:-) until their dad came to collect them. Picked up the other one from an afternoons school run and took them for nuggets and fries afterwards:-) Quite a day but I enjoyed every minute of it.

I’m deciding whether to get a cat for my birthday coming up or not. One of my colleagues at work has even offered me hers. I got the brochure came through for the introduction agency my friend mentioned but I can’t do it even though I’m lonely and would love a decent male to talk to. I have a lovely male gardener who turns up every two weeks, who’s very reliable and kind and respectful and stops to chat awhile every time he comes, who is very happily married but there’s no one else. I’m very too shy for my own good. Even my ex the kid’s dad is asking me what’s the matter with me if I’m into ladies now! The damn cheek. But the trouble is I won’t even know where to start to meet a decent male nowadays. Someone said to just forget it and he whoever he is will turn up when I least expect it! Hence my cat idea. Think I’ll get a cat to keep me company for now:-):-). I had lots of cats growing up:-).

As for the other matter of my grief….yes I have seen him walk by since then, the love of my life, makes my blood sing the chemistry is so intense, but you can’t force someone to love you if they won’t. And to be honest I’ve shed all the tears I can and made peace with it. I’m a fundamentally happy child by nature and at some point I think my internal clock just went ‘enough of that shit gal’ and reset itself back to happy! So happy I shall be. Although I did wake up with a scripture in my head these past two days ‘ And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus’. Go figure. Maybe it’s God answering my prayers after all to remove all my pain and suffering.

From a soggy patch in England, have a peaceful night as well. Lots of love. Candy.

The human heart is one

amazing organ! I feel like someone has driven a stake through mines, dumped it in live coals and ripped its raw skin off but still it goes on beating! And every time a scab has formed I’d catch a glimpse of your car or you and it comes ripping off again. How is it possible to feel so much raw unbridled suffering after so much time has passed? That I could pass out from the grief or never move from my bed again. How could the damn thretcherous thing still believe itself to be inlove with you as well?! Is that why I won’t heal?  That scabs won’t form? Because late at night in my visions you still whisper that you love me? That you hold me? That you show me how much I mean to you? But it is only a dream! And when morning awakes from my tear stained pillow I see that it was all an illusion and that I’m sadly and unrequitedly alone. God help me. But I knew this would happen if you ever let me go. The abyss. The darkness. The emptiness where my happiness once sat next to yours.

I never even got a chance to feel your warm body next to mines. That thought alone breaks my heart. 

 

Please bear with me

as ive had a bit of a shock recently and I’m stuck in a pretty dark place at the moment and not sure if and when I would write or if or when I’ll write again. But I’m trying to get out. I really am. So i must force myself to put one foot in front of the other whether I like it or not. Been nearly seven weeks already and I still can’t breathe in without feeling glass shards, nausea and chills. It’s like watching a car crash into a wall over and over and not being able to stop it. I had a vision as usual. Knew what was going to happen. Then watched in slow motion as it did. For the third time. Every time. I knew. Last year and this year. I already knew dear Lord. I see and feel everything. Hate this psychic thing or whatever I’ve got that was awaken when I moved to my current location. But why show me things that I can do nothing about?! Sometimes even a week or at least three days in advance. I always knew. Sick feeling in stomach. Head dizzy. Dreading the count down. But the dreams won’t leave me alone. Even now they won’t. So how am I meant to get over this? To move on? I am toying with the idea of selling up and moving into another town or county near the sea. The grief is almost disabilitating in places. Nearly had a heart attack. Lost so much sleep. It’s ridiculous. I want my life back. I want my peace back. I am sick and tired of this mess. I’m sick and tired of mourning you. I’m tired of weeping myself to sleep every night. I’ve well and truly lost and I need to move on.  I need help. I’m too stuck. I am seeing more of my friends. Will start volunteering again. Belly dancing. Winter walks. And a friend has given me the name of a good introduction agency to meet someone like minded just for days out conversations and companionship. I feel so alone in this county sometimes. I would love to meet a  male friend for companionship and conversation. If not I’m going to be stuck in this rabbit hole forever missing you. Grieving over you. God will see me through.

It’s time to force myself back for my kids sake.Feels like a piece of my soul is gone.  And I’ve come too far to give up now. Life is meant for living not just existing. I feel cold lost abandoned and alone. But I serve a real God. He will see me through. I’ve asked him to stop the visions or lessen the pain. I will get through this. I have to.