I miss you like crazy.
today. Took the kids to school. Turned off my phone. Found my sofa and did absolutely nothing! My body was so shattered I thought yesterday’s migraine was going to return. But thank God it didn’t! I sank into that sofa like it was the last lifeboat on a sinking ship and closed my eyes all day. It felt positively beautifull! The silence. The softness. The shoulders relaxing. Pulse rate dropping. Eyelids drooping. Heaven indeed!
I’ve had the kids nonstop since boxing day so I know this storm was coming. Or brewing would be more like it. Work. Runs. Entertainment. Housework. Sometimes I forget there’s only one of me. But I survived. Triumphantly. And hopefully their dad will collect them as promise to give me a break this weekend. I’d like to see a few friends or lounge around in my pajamas all day. I’ve already warned the neighbour not to be alarmed if it does occur: me in pajamas past midday!:-):-):-)
Work is going well. I’m being trained up to do a few more clinics. And matron featured me in her monthly snippet magazine as well.
Tommorow will make two years to the date since mum passed away but I’m trying not to think about it too much. I’m meeting friends all day and the year two mums are having a night out on the town to see a strip show! I’ve been celibate five years now and it’s giving me panic attacks just thinking about the show tommorow night. I’m a god damn prude I am! What’s the flipping matter with me?!! Everyone’s going. It’s paid for. It’s called peer pressure and one mum is picking everyone up so no excuses. I have nothing against the show or people choosing to have a drink before they go.
It’s just that I had a look at their website online And it doesn’t do for me. The men are all soo fresh faced, young and muscled all over. I like mines fifty plus with silver at the temples. Laughter lines. Imperfections, weathered working hands with loads of wisdom and experience. I like alittle fat as well and someone tall and well built!:-):-) The first love of my life was 66. I was 18 at the time. We corresponded via letters and phonecalls. Never laid eyes on each other. He was coming out to meet me. My mum got wind of it and that was that! He’s passed on now though:-( I still miss him sometimes and wonder what could have been.
I’ve taken my profile down before the end of my trial period. And also after arguing with the customer rep for about twenty minutes to do so! But you’re getting so much attention he rapped. You need to put your past behind you and start slowly again. But it’s just opening old wounds and giving me panic attacks I told him. I don’t want the damn attention. Anyone even remotely close to my town saying hi was instantly blocked. And then there were the ones who wanted a coffee and my number straight away or told me stories about how lonely and nonviolent they were. Nope. Take my profile down please. Even my exhusband with his girlfriend was upset. For what?!! I am no longer his possession. He didn’t even want me when he had me!
So that’s the end of my long tale. The short one is I’m getting a kitten for the kids and I. I’m also starting work on a new poetry book. As for the one I liked on the website I left him with my email address and the brutal truth that I was unrequitedly inlove with someone else but we could still be email pals if he liked. He’s not been in touch! Boy do I know how to scare them off or what?!! Just couldn’t make it up.
Until next time take care of yourself and each other. The moon and I whisper goodnight to you. Goodnight:-)0
for the soul and I figured the start of the new year is good a time as any to purge mines so please sit down for this one. It’s not pretty. Not pretty at all. And I feel awful. Just plain awful and confused about the whole thing…So here goes: My ex-husband pretty much ignored me for the last two years in our marriage after our daughter was born. It got so bad in the end that he’d walk off mid conversation if I was talking or he’d tell me to stop being an idiot and find something sensible to say the second he’d said his piece. So you can understand my pain when I say all I want from a partner is some conversation and partnership. Just someone to say hello and talk to me and me back to him about silly nothings or even the serious stuff. And companionship for the long and short and quiet and even noisy days ahead. It’s not much. It doesn’t matter to me what the person looks like or what they do or what they have. It’s just the essence of someone that matters to me.
I couldn’t bare looking at my messenger anymore willing my Muse to speak to me the pain in my heart was so unimaginable that I decided to set up an online profile to see if I could find someone who actually wanted to talk to me. But went to take it back down the minute I did it because it made me felt physically ill being on there. Even the icebreakers I received made me to crawl into a corner. But the customer service representative said to give it until the end of the trial period as I might change my mind by then! I don’t think she was listening to a word I said! I’m not ready for online chatting forget dating! I think I may even be going off men as a whole. And no I’m not gay or prefer women. I just wanted abit of conversation.
And as I went to take down my profile he messaged me. And I relaxed. I actually liked him! No not tearing your clothes off come back to mines like,but a good old fashioned he’s okay, he just wants to chat okay. His spirit agreed with mines. The first one that did. I told him I was in the middle of taking down my profile but that it would be rude mid conversation and he laughed and messaged me back. And he was kind and nice and sweet and funny.
And I like him. Yes I can’t believe I wrote that either. He’s 58. About my height. Similar interests. Lives too far away to drop by for coffee and close to Scotland and Yorkshire. Both of my favourite counties. He’s even got grandkids. He just drops me a line and I drop him a short one back about our days. And it feels right and easy and fun and not pressured at all. But it makes me realise just how much of a trust issue I do have with men:-(. Yes the site is reputable. I’m pretty sure the guy is too. But I realise what the true problem really is and that’s I’m still stuck on my Muse. I love him. By God I really do.Most passionately and ardently. And it’s only his arms and his voice and his scent and his soft lips and his rugged cheek pressed up against mines that I want. But he doesn’t want those things and I’m trying to distract my anguish by chatting to someone else. If not I shall be loading up his messenger with little longing messages and that’s not a good sign at all!
So…Will I take my profile down at the end of the trial period? I really can’t answer that. I don’t even know myself. I’ll have to wait and see. God bless you.
The essence of me still loves the essence of you.
I still struggle to let you go. My arms long to hold you. My lips begged to kiss you. And every piece of me longs to come back home. To you. I see you as you walk by. Near enough to feel you. The heat melting my bones. But never near enough to smell the insides of your collarbone as you hold me close. As we used to. And as I long to still. I’m trying to respect your decision and wishes but I’d like you to know that at any time if you change your mind, you need only unlatch my gate, and come back home. I long to love you. To care for you. To hug you. To caresses you. To keep you. To be with you through thickness and thin. For better or worse. For the highs and the lows. To wrap you in my love and family. Laugh with you. Play with you. Pray for you. Make love to you. Cook for you. From the first momment that I saw you, all I’ve ever wanted was to bring you home. This heart wasn’t made to hate you or bear grudges or hold a record of wrongs. This heart only wants to press up next to yours on a Sunday morning and go lub dub dub together. There is nothing to forgive. Nothing that can’t be fixed. You are worthy of family and laughter and peace. You are worthy of love. We are worthy of each other. If you still want me that is. Isn’t it time you change your mind and come back home?
I’ll be waiting. Always
Tu amor Candy.
Ps. I pray the whispers of the wind carries this to you today.
Even polar caps melting would be able to feel the heat between you and I.