Miss my kids.

Spent a lovely weekend on the sofa but I still miss all the noise  and drama when they’re gone. They’ve had a good weekend at their dad’s apparently… making and decorating cakes. They’ve even sent me the pictures to prove it. But if he thinks I’m getting back with him over a few baking pictures he can think again. He was suppose to propose to his girlfriend the week before Christmas and then on New Year’s Eve but every time he keeps chickening out. If I so much as mentions other man or online profile he gets upset and cross! You just couldn’t make it up! That man has put me off men for life so why would I even want to go there again?! I’m just starting to get over the trauma of everything he put me through for the past twelve years. Those kids were the only best thing to come out of our marriage and if I have to sacrifice ever having another relationship while they are young and vulnerable and growing up, I will.

The lady from Cat’s Protection is going to get back to me this coming week concerning a rescue kitten and I’m going to try and get out abit more socially. I’d love to join a book group or go to a few more poetry, jazz or salsa classes. Couple of the year two mums said that they’ll come with me as well. Don’t get me wrong. I really miss the scent of a man and being hugged and kissed and looking after each other. I sat alone today for all of my meals and it was very lonely in places. But I can’t forge interest where there is none. I can’t force myself to chat to someone when I’m still trying to fall out of love with someone else! Things take time. Life takes time. Online dating is not the answer. Getting out and talking to real life people is more like it. And I plan to keep a smile on my face and a spark as well when I do so:-).

Thanks for being here for me. I’ll just have to find some other way of dealing with my loneliness. It’s not just the elderly that suffer  through it alone. We’ll get there. One day at a time. Goodnight and God bless from England. Love C. Please take care of yourself too.

 

Well that was an

eyefull for sure! The strip tease show! It was fully packed of course with screaming women including the seven of us from our year two class! No penises were exposed thank heavens and no one pressured me into having a drink before hand either.:-).So all in all a good night. The girls are all going dancing afterwards but I’ve come back home to my Grey’s Anatomy and hot chocolate before bed:-) Aaa:-). The show? It was okay. Flesh were exposed. Men griped and grind but it didn’t turn me on in the slightest. Maybe there is something wrong with me or the age of the men in the show. All I could think of was the way my Muse looked that day half naked in his trunks painting a farm machinery in his dad’s front garden. Now that. That just makes me want to rip the rest of his clothes off and turn up at his house at 3am with nothing but a dressing gown to show him just what kind of wild animal I could really be. Only he turns me on. Dear  lord I hope he just gives in one day to this wild chemistry between us and invite me over for steak and chips and a look around his green house:-) I’d really love to see his greenhouse:-):-):-)

My co worker invited me over for lunch today and another one dropped by in the afternoon:-). First time ever. But second anniversary of mum’s death and you know what?  I spend the day happy and I think she would have approved. I love you mum. And miss you dearly. Each and every day. Now excuse me while I go back to my hot chocolate and Grey’s Anatomy. I don’t want to miss a thing. And would you believe it’s still a big beautiful moon outside? :-)God bless you all from England:-).

They say confession is good

for the soul and I figured the start of the new year is good a time as any to purge mines so please sit down for this one. It’s not pretty. Not pretty at all. And I feel awful. Just plain awful and confused about the whole thing…So here goes: My ex-husband pretty much ignored me for the last two years in our marriage after our daughter was born. It got so bad in the end that he’d walk off mid conversation if I was talking or he’d tell me to stop being an idiot and find something sensible to say the second he’d said his piece. So you can understand my pain when I say all I want from a partner is some conversation and partnership. Just someone to say hello and talk to me and me back to him about silly nothings or even the serious stuff. And companionship for the long and short and quiet and even noisy days ahead. It’s not much. It doesn’t matter to me what the person looks like or what they do or what they have. It’s just the essence of someone that matters to me.

I couldn’t bare looking at my messenger anymore willing my Muse to speak to me the pain in my heart was so unimaginable that I decided to set up an online profile to see if I could find someone who actually wanted to talk to me. But went to take it back down the minute I did it because it made me felt physically ill being on there. Even the icebreakers I received made me to crawl into a corner. But the customer service representative said to give it until the end of the trial period as I might change my mind by then! I don’t think she was listening to a word I said! I’m not ready for online chatting forget dating! I think I may even be going off men as a whole. And no I’m not gay or prefer women. I just wanted abit of conversation.

And as I went to take down my profile he messaged me. And I relaxed. I actually liked him! No not tearing your clothes off come back to mines like,but a good old fashioned he’s okay, he just wants to chat okay. His spirit agreed with mines. The first one that did. I told him I was in the middle of taking down my profile but that it would be rude mid conversation and he laughed and messaged me back. And he was kind and nice and sweet and funny.

And I like him. Yes I can’t believe I wrote that either. He’s 58. About my height. Similar interests. Lives too far away to drop by for coffee and close to Scotland and Yorkshire. Both of my favourite counties. He’s even got grandkids. He just drops me a line and I drop him a short one back about our days. And it feels right and easy and fun and not pressured at all. But it makes me realise just how much of a trust issue I do have with men:-(. Yes the site is reputable. I’m pretty sure the guy is too. But I realise what the true problem really is and that’s I’m still stuck on my Muse. I love him. By God I really do.Most passionately and ardently. And it’s only his arms and his voice and his scent and his soft lips and his rugged cheek pressed up against mines that I want. But he doesn’t want those things and I’m trying to distract my anguish by chatting to someone else. If not I shall be loading up his messenger with little longing messages and that’s not a good sign at all!

So…Will I take my profile down at the end of the trial period? I really can’t answer that. I don’t even know myself. I’ll have to wait and see. God bless you.

 

 

 

 

 

What a beautiful time to be alive. Hello 2017 :-)

“You are not IN the universe, you ARE the universe, an intrinsic part of it. Ultimately you are not a person, but a focal point where the universe is becoming conscious of itself. What an amazing miracle.” Eckhart Tolle Rainbow wallpaper image from Zedge. From Be Present. Compiled by Paulette Motzko January 1st 2017 1:09 […]

via You are not IN the universe, you ARE the universe, an intrinsic part of it. Ultimately you are not a person, but a focal point where the universe is becoming conscious of itself. What an amazing Miracle. Eckhart Tolle  — Totally Inspired Mind