Miss my kids.

Spent a lovely weekend on the sofa but I still miss all the noise  and drama when they’re gone. They’ve had a good weekend at their dad’s apparently… making and decorating cakes. They’ve even sent me the pictures to prove it. But if he thinks I’m getting back with him over a few baking pictures he can think again. He was suppose to propose to his girlfriend the week before Christmas and then on New Year’s Eve but every time he keeps chickening out. If I so much as mentions other man or online profile he gets upset and cross! You just couldn’t make it up! That man has put me off men for life so why would I even want to go there again?! I’m just starting to get over the trauma of everything he put me through for the past twelve years. Those kids were the only best thing to come out of our marriage and if I have to sacrifice ever having another relationship while they are young and vulnerable and growing up, I will.

The lady from Cat’s Protection is going to get back to me this coming week concerning a rescue kitten and I’m going to try and get out abit more socially. I’d love to join a book group or go to a few more poetry, jazz or salsa classes. Couple of the year two mums said that they’ll come with me as well. Don’t get me wrong. I really miss the scent of a man and being hugged and kissed and looking after each other. I sat alone today for all of my meals and it was very lonely in places. But I can’t forge interest where there is none. I can’t force myself to chat to someone when I’m still trying to fall out of love with someone else! Things take time. Life takes time. Online dating is not the answer. Getting out and talking to real life people is more like it. And I plan to keep a smile on my face and a spark as well when I do so:-).

Thanks for being here for me. I’ll just have to find some other way of dealing with my loneliness. It’s not just the elderly that suffer  through it alone. We’ll get there. One day at a time. Goodnight and God bless from England. Love C. Please take care of yourself too.


Enjoyed a misty morning….

walk down the lane when I did the school run today:-). Then I popped in my car to join my friend in town for a quick cup of coffee. She’s recently moved house so I followed her back to hers in my car to see where she lived. Quite a nice neighbourhood actually with lots of houses and a corner fish and chips shop. I asked my son if he’d like to move house as nearly all my friends are in that area of town at the moment. But he looked at me and said only  if the next house we move into isn’t attached to anyone else with a bigger room for me! Fat chance I laughed. We’re staying put. Get used to it!:-):-):-).

Did a spot of gardening as well and gathered up all the fallen leaves I’d left from last time. Painted one side of my shed pink and then my sister rang to say one of our close cousins had fallen down the stairs and died! At this rate I’m soon going to have no body left. I was too distraught to answer her so I told her I’d ring her back later after the kids had gone to bed. Makes my heart and head hurt but it’s not worth dwelling on or I’ll have this nervous breakdown that I should have had from 2015. I just wished something positive would happen for a chance. So many deaths. So many unexpected:-(. Can’t cope with them all.

But I live and pray and hope on. Dinner is nearly ready so I’d best get the kids to wash their hands. Green peas with minni beef pies and gravy. It’s not even 5pm and it’s already been getting dark from half hour ago! I’ll upload one of my son’s favourite poems later. From a chilly night some where in England please wrap up warm and have a good night. God bless you.

Winter reflections…

It’s another wet and cold day in my corner of England:-). The sun flirted briefly with me as I went into the kitchen this morning then dashed shyly behind a cloud of gray! What a tease:-). I dropped the kids off to the village school down the lane then met my friend in town for a quick cup of coffee and catch up. That was nice. I do need to get out more often. But I hate moving from the couch when the weather is like this. I’m still working on my Christmas cross stitch at the moment and trying to complete my Pride and Prejudice novel. The kids got all their hearts for last week(I’ve got them a new reward system at the moment which seems to be working brilliantly) so I told them I’d take them out after school later to pick up their treat.

Hope you’re having a good day too.

Whenever loneliness really bites after the kids go to bed and I’m sitting there wondering what to do with myself and the urge to talk to another living soul is so great that I could easily go into a chat room or one of those dating apps, ( just being brutally honest) I pick up my bible instead. And I put on classical music and read and meditate until I feel at peace again. And the more I do it, the less and less the loneliness even bites or bothers me. But I make sure I make time for friends and connecting with people during the daytime.

I never thought in a million years my life would end up like this. This feeling of isolation. I grew up in a big bustling family and loneliness was never an issue. Even grandparents lived in the same house and not on their own, sometimes three generations in one family. And we\ i loved it:-). And inspite of the residual lingering loneliness in this country, it’s not such a bad life after all if I make the most of it, man or no man, which is what I plan to do. it’s just sometimes when I hear from family members and see their updates on social media I am sharply reminded of my loss like a phantom aching limb. You have to learn how to make the most of your situation wherever you are, however it is and cultivate an attitude of gratitude, joy and expectancy, that things can and willget better. 

Living on my own makes me appreciate each and every person I come into contact with, and has spurred me on to start volunteering again. Its also taught me the importance of seeing the whole person and listening fully as they speak. And also the wisdom of respecting differences, letting go, loving fully and forgiving freely. It has taught me in many instances how to be truly Christ-like and a light for the world. So in all things and whatever season of our lives there’s always a rich and learning experience to be have:-). God bless and keep you always.