Miss my kids.

Spent a lovely weekend on the sofa but I still miss all the noise  and drama when they’re gone. They’ve had a good weekend at their dad’s apparently… making and decorating cakes. They’ve even sent me the pictures to prove it. But if he thinks I’m getting back with him over a few baking pictures he can think again. He was suppose to propose to his girlfriend the week before Christmas and then on New Year’s Eve but every time he keeps chickening out. If I so much as mentions other man or online profile he gets upset and cross! You just couldn’t make it up! That man has put me off men for life so why would I even want to go there again?! I’m just starting to get over the trauma of everything he put me through for the past twelve years. Those kids were the only best thing to come out of our marriage and if I have to sacrifice ever having another relationship while they are young and vulnerable and growing up, I will.

The lady from Cat’s Protection is going to get back to me this coming week concerning a rescue kitten and I’m going to try and get out abit more socially. I’d love to join a book group or go to a few more poetry, jazz or salsa classes. Couple of the year two mums said that they’ll come with me as well. Don’t get me wrong. I really miss the scent of a man and being hugged and kissed and looking after each other. I sat alone today for all of my meals and it was very lonely in places. But I can’t forge interest where there is none. I can’t force myself to chat to someone when I’m still trying to fall out of love with someone else! Things take time. Life takes time. Online dating is not the answer. Getting out and talking to real life people is more like it. And I plan to keep a smile on my face and a spark as well when I do so:-).

Thanks for being here for me. I’ll just have to find some other way of dealing with my loneliness. It’s not just the elderly that suffer  through it alone. We’ll get there. One day at a time. Goodnight and God bless from England. Love C. Please take care of yourself too.

 

I did absolutely nothing

today. Took the kids to school. Turned off my phone. Found my sofa and did absolutely nothing! My body was so shattered I thought yesterday’s migraine was going to return. But thank God it didn’t! I sank into that sofa like it was the last lifeboat on a sinking ship and closed my eyes all day. It felt positively beautifull! The silence. The softness. The shoulders relaxing. Pulse rate dropping. Eyelids drooping. Heaven indeed!

I’ve had the kids nonstop since boxing day so I know this storm was coming. Or brewing would be more like it. Work. Runs. Entertainment. Housework. Sometimes I forget there’s only one of me. But I survived. Triumphantly. And hopefully their dad will collect them as promise to give me a break this weekend. I’d like to see a few friends or lounge around in my pajamas all day. I’ve already warned the neighbour not to be alarmed if it does occur: me in pajamas past midday!:-):-):-)

Work is going well. I’m being trained up to do a few more clinics. And matron featured me in her monthly snippet magazine as well.

Tommorow will make two years to the date since mum passed away but I’m trying not to think about it too much. I’m meeting friends all day and the year two mums are having a night out on the town to see a strip show! I’ve been celibate five years now and it’s giving me panic attacks just thinking about the show tommorow night. I’m a god damn prude I am! What’s the flipping matter with me?!! Everyone’s going. It’s paid for. It’s called peer pressure and one mum is picking everyone up so no excuses. I have nothing against the show or people choosing to have a drink before they go.

It’s just that I had a look at their website online And it doesn’t do for me. The men are all soo fresh faced, young and muscled all over. I like mines fifty plus with silver at the temples. Laughter lines. Imperfections, weathered working hands with loads of wisdom and experience. I like alittle fat as well and someone tall and well built!:-):-) The first love of my life was 66. I was 18 at the time. We corresponded via letters and phonecalls.  Never laid eyes on each other. He was coming out to meet me. My mum got wind of it and that was that! He’s passed on now though:-( I still miss him sometimes and wonder what could have been.

I’ve taken my profile down before the end of my trial period. And also after arguing with the customer rep for about twenty minutes to do so! But you’re getting so much attention he rapped. You need to put your past behind you and start slowly again. But it’s just opening old wounds and giving me panic attacks I told him. I don’t want the damn attention. Anyone even remotely close to my town saying hi was instantly blocked. And then there were the ones who wanted a coffee and my number straight away or told me stories about how lonely and nonviolent they were. Nope. Take my profile down please. Even my exhusband with his girlfriend was upset. For what?!! I am no longer his possession. He didn’t even want me when he had me!

So that’s the end of my long tale. The short one is I’m getting a kitten for the kids and I. I’m also starting work on a new poetry book. As for the one I liked on the website I left him with my email address and the brutal truth that I was unrequitedly inlove with someone else but we could still be email pals if he liked. He’s not been in touch! Boy do I know how to scare them off or what?!! Just couldn’t make it up.

Until next time take care of yourself and each other. The moon and I whisper goodnight to you. Goodnight:-)0

I can feel the tangible freshness

of spring coming already. Aàaaa:-) The promise of new leaves and baby lambs and tiny birds hiding in big trees:-) Bring it on already! I took the kids bowling yesterday and they thoroughly enjoyed it. The banana bread I made the day before is gone and so is the second batch I made yesterday! Will have to pop to the shops today to get some more self raising flour and basic vanilla essence. A few activity centres should be opened too so they can burn off some energy in there for a few hours this morning. Then it’s time for surgery this afternoon! First it was teddy. Then it was Luigi and now there’s a sorry looking lamb on a pillow in the TV room besides me with my daughter’s doctor bag. And her big wide grin!See what I’ve started?!! Let’s just hope the word doesn’t spread or I’m going to have a room full of soft play toys before my coffee granules can melt properly into its juices! Heaven help me.

Hope the new year is being kind to you too :-).

I had to perform open heart surgery…

with a stuffing transplant on my daughter’s favourite teddy this morning. Poor thing! He’d had the cotton played out of him quite literally. So I told her I’d fix it up for him. She scrubbed in to assist ( too much Grey’s Anatomy episodes :-):-)) while I meticulously repaired the damage and told her to keep him on bedrest for the rest of the day. Which she did. Quite beautifully:-) checking his temperature with her doctors kit and making him watching a cartoon to relax this afternoon:-):-)

I was planning to watch Gone with the Wind finally after they’d gone to bed tonight but my son was so impressed with my work he’s left two of his favourite stuffed toys for me to fix by morning! And no cutting any corners he said very seriously. I want them good as new when I open my eyes in the morning! Heaven help me. Guess I will be staying up until midnight after all. Have you ever seen a alittle kid’s disappointed face before? Well I haven’t. And I don’t intend to start the new year with one! :-):-) kids for you eh

Happy new Year’s Eve everyone:-).

Ps. Thanks for being there for me this year. It was appreciated far more than you’ll ever know. Hope you a peaceful and prosperous and bright 2017 too. God bless you.

Hope the xmas holidays

was kind to you. Nativity  plays, secret Santas,  Christmas work lunch do and dinner, helping to wrap presents for Lapland so that every inpatient on Christmas day got a gift, visiting friends, gift buying, gift wrapping, remembering love ones…..Yes it’s been quite busy my way lately so I apologise for not writing sooner. My dad died three days before Christmas and my marriage ended around Christmas time so I can be and have been very low recently. I light a candle in the window every morning and evening to remind myself that light shall not be overcome by darkness and that even in the pitchest darkness of our lives there is always light. I light a candle to remember the dead and to remind myself that while i was still alive I had a duty to live my life fully and beautifully for those left behind. I light a candle for hope.

Hope you had a good holiday too.