Light shall not be overcome by darkness.
today. Took the kids to school. Turned off my phone. Found my sofa and did absolutely nothing! My body was so shattered I thought yesterday’s migraine was going to return. But thank God it didn’t! I sank into that sofa like it was the last lifeboat on a sinking ship and closed my eyes all day. It felt positively beautifull! The silence. The softness. The shoulders relaxing. Pulse rate dropping. Eyelids drooping. Heaven indeed!
I’ve had the kids nonstop since boxing day so I know this storm was coming. Or brewing would be more like it. Work. Runs. Entertainment. Housework. Sometimes I forget there’s only one of me. But I survived. Triumphantly. And hopefully their dad will collect them as promise to give me a break this weekend. I’d like to see a few friends or lounge around in my pajamas all day. I’ve already warned the neighbour not to be alarmed if it does occur: me in pajamas past midday!:-):-):-)
Work is going well. I’m being trained up to do a few more clinics. And matron featured me in her monthly snippet magazine as well.
Tommorow will make two years to the date since mum passed away but I’m trying not to think about it too much. I’m meeting friends all day and the year two mums are having a night out on the town to see a strip show! I’ve been celibate five years now and it’s giving me panic attacks just thinking about the show tommorow night. I’m a god damn prude I am! What’s the flipping matter with me?!! Everyone’s going. It’s paid for. It’s called peer pressure and one mum is picking everyone up so no excuses. I have nothing against the show or people choosing to have a drink before they go.
It’s just that I had a look at their website online And it doesn’t do for me. The men are all soo fresh faced, young and muscled all over. I like mines fifty plus with silver at the temples. Laughter lines. Imperfections, weathered working hands with loads of wisdom and experience. I like alittle fat as well and someone tall and well built!:-):-) The first love of my life was 66. I was 18 at the time. We corresponded via letters and phonecalls. Never laid eyes on each other. He was coming out to meet me. My mum got wind of it and that was that! He’s passed on now though:-( I still miss him sometimes and wonder what could have been.
I’ve taken my profile down before the end of my trial period. And also after arguing with the customer rep for about twenty minutes to do so! But you’re getting so much attention he rapped. You need to put your past behind you and start slowly again. But it’s just opening old wounds and giving me panic attacks I told him. I don’t want the damn attention. Anyone even remotely close to my town saying hi was instantly blocked. And then there were the ones who wanted a coffee and my number straight away or told me stories about how lonely and nonviolent they were. Nope. Take my profile down please. Even my exhusband with his girlfriend was upset. For what?!! I am no longer his possession. He didn’t even want me when he had me!
So that’s the end of my long tale. The short one is I’m getting a kitten for the kids and I. I’m also starting work on a new poetry book. As for the one I liked on the website I left him with my email address and the brutal truth that I was unrequitedly inlove with someone else but we could still be email pals if he liked. He’s not been in touch! Boy do I know how to scare them off or what?!! Just couldn’t make it up.
Until next time take care of yourself and each other. The moon and I whisper goodnight to you. Goodnight:-)0
Every morning I wake up, I say a little prayer for you:-)
garden with my daughter yesterday raking up leaves and singing at the top of our voices:-). Then we legged it for the door once the rain started:-). Popped in to see the neighbour late morning then took the kids into town for a short spell after school. A great day all around. It’s really nice getting out in the fresh air and feel the wet soil between my warm hands. I couldn’t ask for more:-). Had some training to do at the local hospital after work today so I’m pretty knackered after putting the kids to bed. it’s children in need day tommorow at school and I haven’t even out any polka dots on their uniform yet! It’s days like these I wish I had a man around to help me out.
Last night as I was putting my daughter to bed and again tonight she wrapped her arms around me and prayered ‘Please find my mummy a husband dear God and get me another brother or sister!’ Could have knocked me over with a feather. But none more so when the man I loved turned up next door while we were raking leaves and she said mummy remember the new husband I prayered for for you? Yes I answered cautiously. He’s now next door she grinned! I think you’re mistaken I replied. I was so speechless I dropped the rake I was holding! Why do you think mummy needs a new husband i asked her? Because you and daddy had a falling out she replied and he’s got someone! Only heavens knows why she thought of you! It’s not like I’m with someone or go around voicing my deepest desires. But at the same time if you hear my little girl praying dear Lord, can you answer her please?!:-):-):-) Who knows? Maybe her hotline to heaven is quicker than mines:-):-) :-). We’ll see won’t we?!
Was abit short on the ground so ended up being shift coordinator, running two busy clinics, plus helping with an afternoon airway emergency despite having another another restless night. Picked up my kids about 7pm from their godmothers house. Put them to bed. Fed myself. Watched abit of Tudors. And now ready for bed myself Did I bring my ace game? You bet your bottom dollar I did! :-):-) :-). Sometimes….I amaze even myself!:-) Goodnight my dears. From a dreamy place in England:-)
last night. A few minutes here, an hour there but the thoughts like vultures kept waking me up. Pressing upon me. Stealing the air I breathe. Penetrating my inner solitude to demand me to reexamine myself. Such is the curse of a Sagittarius sometimes. Forever seeking and searching for the answer even when the truth stares us courageously and boldly in the face. Will I ever accept it? Will I ever let it in? That I’ve tried and lost and that you are never going to be mines or let me in. How can I seek solace in another when the only arms I want to be in is yours? Such truths elude me. I grow tired of my empty bed.
Soft grey skies outside, scattered toys with cartoons on the television inside. I’m sure there are hundred things I could or should be doing on this fine Saturday morning. But fitting in a midmorning nap after a busy week should be one of them. Fluffy pillow anyone?:-):-):-) I’ll grab the hoover in abit after dancing:-) Exhausting I know but life’s too short otherwise!:-) hehe. Have a fab Saturday too.