as ive had a bit of a shock recently and I’m stuck in a pretty dark place at the moment and not sure if and when I would write or if or when I’ll write again. But I’m trying to get out. I really am. So i must force myself to put one foot in front of the other whether I like it or not. Been nearly seven weeks already and I still can’t breathe in without feeling glass shards, nausea and chills. It’s like watching a car crash into a wall over and over and not being able to stop it. I had a vision as usual. Knew what was going to happen. Then watched in slow motion as it did. For the third time. Every time. I knew. Last year and this year. I already knew dear Lord. I see and feel everything. Hate this psychic thing or whatever I’ve got that was awaken when I moved to my current location. But why show me things that I can do nothing about?! Sometimes even a week or at least three days in advance. I always knew. Sick feeling in stomach. Head dizzy. Dreading the count down. But the dreams won’t leave me alone. Even now they won’t. So how am I meant to get over this? To move on? I am toying with the idea of selling up and moving into another town or county near the sea. The grief is almost disabilitating in places. Nearly had a heart attack. Lost so much sleep. It’s ridiculous. I want my life back. I want my peace back. I am sick and tired of this mess. I’m sick and tired of mourning you. I’m tired of weeping myself to sleep every night. I’ve well and truly lost and I need to move on. I need help. I’m too stuck. I am seeing more of my friends. Will start volunteering again. Belly dancing. Winter walks. And a friend has given me the name of a good introduction agency to meet someone like minded just for days out conversations and companionship. I feel so alone in this county sometimes. I would love to meet a male friend for companionship and conversation. If not I’m going to be stuck in this rabbit hole forever missing you. Grieving over you. God will see me through.
It’s time to force myself back for my kids sake.Feels like a piece of my soul is gone. And I’ve come too far to give up now. Life is meant for living not just existing. I feel cold lost abandoned and alone. But I serve a real God. He will see me through. I’ve asked him to stop the visions or lessen the pain. I will get through this. I have to.